Where does a motivator go...
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
I have begun this blog almost every day for almost 3 weeks now and could never bring myself to post it. Why, you might ask? Well, I think it is my mindset that I am a motivator. That's what I do. I love doing it. I think I'm pretty good at it. But lately, the motivator has lost her motivation. Hence, my question? Where does a motivator go to get motivated.
I have felt myself slowly being pulled into situations that I wasn't really prepared emotionally for...the child becoming the parent. For the last year I've been slowly taking over things for my 81 year old mother. However, since last September when my mom totalled her car, I have become her only means of transportation. I'm so thankful to be able to help her, but just trying to get our schedules blended together is a monumental task. Tuesday is "beauty shop" day. Sunday I drive her to her old church which is an hour away. The first Tuesday of every month is "Card Party" day. And the list goes on and on.
Then there are those calls at 6:00 in the evening wanting to know if I'm coming in to town when she knows that I'm not...but if I am would I go pick her up something to eat because she's hungry and doesn't have anything to eat. So I drive 15 miles to go to Sonic to get her a 99 cent Jr. Deluxe Burger which is her favorite thing along with the extra-long chili cheese coney.
Then there's my favorite when she calls to find out if it's 7 in the morning or night. Is it 11 in the morning or night. They dementia is setting in and I've learned to laugh at these calls. It's just that when I'm asleep and the phone rings in the middle of the night, my mind races towards the worst when I see her number on caller ID.
On top of that, I've been on a major plateau and have lost only 1.4 pounds in eight weeks. Bummer. In my mind, I run through all the things I tell others when they are in this situation. I should be able to handle this. After all, I am a motivator.
I have been so frustrated with myself that I quit posting to my nutritional tracker because I wasn't coming close to hitting my calories requirements. I wasn't hungry and didn't feel like force feeding myself.
I am probably one of the most positive people I know. I normally thrive when adversity hits. My competitive side kicks in but for some reason, this time I shut down. I didn't want to post so I didn't. I didn't want to lead so I didn't. I haven't exercised in 2 weeks. I got so many Spark Goodies and comments for my birthday but I just couldn't bring myself to respond to any of them.
I'm not afraid to tell you that this scared me more then a little bit. I've been through a lot in my lifetime and can truly say I have never felt like this. I had let myself down. I had let my teams down. What was this motivator to do? I'm not supposed to feel like this. I'm a fixer. But you know what, it's always easier to fix someone elses problems then it is your own. The big "P" word,,,PRIDE...gets in the way.
I was so overwhelmed. I had over 300 spark emails to read since I hadn't done to much since Thanksgiving. I was perusing through them when I noticed that my friend Eric (TXHRT4U) and ML (GONE2009) had posted things in our Motivation Station...something I usually do every day except it was just one of those things I stopped doing. I clicked on the link to listen to their posts and am so thankful that I did.
The Motivation Station is just what it sounds like. If you need motivation or inspiration all you need to do is click on one of more then 100 clips until you find one that fills your need. Well, I tell you I was a clicking fool last night. I listened to video clips for about an hour. Some of them I played over and over. Then a light bulb went on. I love when that happens. This is one of the things I had been missing. In the past, this had been a crucial part of my day. I would always listen to my battle cry songs, "You're Unstoppable" and "You Gotta Want It" several times a day plus scrolled through U-Tube motivational offerings about 30 minutes every night trying to locate that piece that I thought would touch someone when in fact they were touching me. I was posting things that motivated and inspired me. Well, duh!
You never know where you will get that Spark that ignites your flame again. I'm so thankful for my best Spark Friend and co-leader, Andrea who got on the phone to make sure I was ok when my BLC2 teammates were worried when I didn't post last week. Annie, Betty, Veena, Nancy and Christina, thanks for sending out the "mayday" and the life line to help pull me back.
And my friends from the Battle Team..Laurie, Suezette, Betty (Boopster) who encouraged me so much. Andrea and Annie, you're in this group, too, along with so many of my sister warriors.
I can feel my flame starting to flicker and grow brighter again. It so great to come out of the darkness into the light. I even felt like God had prepared the sermons especially for me on Sunday morning and night.
I know that life is always going to happen and get in my way, but I don't want to let that phrase turn an easy escape excuse that I turn to every time I have life issues. The one thing that I have learned from all of this is that I don't have to be a super woman with super powers. Wow, did I really just type that? I do need to be better prepared to handle the situations that life throws at me. I do need to be more organized. I do need to understand that I don't have to be a motivator 24/7. It's ok to be the person who needs to be motivated.
Well, I've read back over this and think I will post it this time. I thank all my many Spark Friends who have helped me on this journey. I love each and every one of you and am so privileged to have you in my life.