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Saturday, August 06, 2011

I did something this evening I never do-I got mad at dad and verbally lashed out at him. He was complaining about his teeth and glasses even before his hospital stay and as soon as he was able to go, I got appointments with the dentist and opthamologist and had new glasses and teeth made. Big mistake I guess-he used to wear bifocals but hasn't for about 2 years. He got these and wasn't happy with them. We went back twice for them to work on them. He refused to listen to them or me that he had to wear them to let his eyes get retrained to wearing them. He refused-would put them on for a few minutes and give up. I tried to explain that if he would just hang in there, suddenly things would focus but he had no patience. At the last visit the tech and I convinced him there wasn't anything else we could do except go back and have them check the script but since he could read with his old glasses and the prescription essentially had not changed there was nothing to do there. Also, he is seeing really good on the distance so-it is just getting his eyes to adjust and his left eye is a lot worse than the right eye so it needs time to get trained because that makes it harder for his eyes to adjust so he is going to have to deal with 2 prs of glasses now-one to read with and one for distance. I just pray that when those come in that that solves this dilema.
Then the issue of the teeth-his dentures are probably 40-50 years old, his gums are gone (he is going to be 100 in Sept) so the dentist didn't have a lot to work with. He did the mold 3 times to try to get it the best he could. Today dad said, I don't think he knew what he was doing-he had to do the mold 3 times! Well, at that point, I said, he was doing it to try to get him the best fit he could since dad's main complaint was his old dentures would flop around. He snapped at me that I just didn't understand. At that point, I had pretty much lost my cool with him, and told him he was never positive. He never looked for something good, he was always expecting the worst and so that was what he got. I have taken him back 4 times in the past 2 weeks and have another appointment for him on Monday for these teeth so it isn't like I haven't tried to get this taken care of and the dentist has bent over backwards for him. I know they don't feel like his old denture-they aren't supposed to. However, he won't try to wear them either-he puts them in for a few minutes and takes them back out.
I guess all this would not bother me so much, but I have literally upended my life to care for him so I would like him to be a bit nice not perpetually complaining. I fix all his meals, do his laundry, clean his house, care for his yard, take him to all drs and make all the appointments, pay his bills, you get the picture-he needs it I do it! Just once, I would like him to say, hey this is really good, not say this needs more salt (which he knows he can't have), I put more chili powder in mine, my mother made chicken & dumplings different, again, you get the picture. I bake every 3-4 days just so he has something sweet, DH & I certainly don't need it but I do it for him. If we go out, I make sure he has something to heat up in the microwave. If he wants, we will bring him back a meal (which we pay for) but he normally doesn't want anything. His idea of eating out is a 99 cent McDonald's burger!
I guess I get tired of hearing him brag about my brother's who may call once a month, never offer a bit of help (at least one does occasionally but not the other 2), now he wants to leave $$$ to his newest step-grandkids (my oldest brother just remarried and she has 3 kids). I told him if he did, the other 3 of us all have step children and I wasn't explaining to everyone why he left $$$ to them and none of ours . Maybe I am wrong, but he has seen them once in his life-he married two of mine! It isn't like he has a lot of $$$ anyhow and if he ever has to go into a nursing home it is a moot point anyhow and if he doesn't start acting better, that is a real possibility!!! It just seems like he tries to find things to make my life miserable.
Good grief am I venting tonite or what??? emoticon
Thanks for letting me sound off. I don't normally let things bother me this much but enough is enough. I am sure I will be fine by morning but as the song goes, I want to be mad for a little while!!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    As a caregiver, there are times you need time for you, and sometimes it can be so hard.
    Thinking of you... Been in the caregiving situation, now on the other end, hoping that it will be balanced once again soon.
    Love and prayers,
    3485 days ago
  • CHEVY63
    Sorry you're going through a tough time. Isn't it strange to be parenting your own parent? I do understand - it's hard not to get frustrated, and then feel bad for feeling frustrated. You are not alone!
    3498 days ago
    3499 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5123585
    Pat-venting is always allowed here! It is so hard dealing with elderly parents. My dad had just talked about moving into an assisted living place but once he found out the cost-no way!! He keeps falling & I am so worried that one of these times he is going to break a hip. Just keep doing what you are doing & maybe some day he will say "thanks!" emoticon Kim
    3499 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    Hi Pat

    You always do your best. You know in your heart that his crankiness has nothing whatsoever to do with you, and he is probably very grateful to have you so close ... but it may sting the pride, you know? And, as someone else here said, he may be in chronic discomfort.

    If I didn't live a 25 hour drive away, I'd be right there giving you a big hug. You deserve one -- you're one of the good ones.

    Spoil yourself somehow this week -- even if it's simply some time alone or a visit w a friend.

    Blessings to you

    3499 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8667808
    Pat, you have every right to be mad, frustrated.......! My grandmother is very negative. I try to remember that her words and actions are a result of physical pain and fear, but I sure can't deny my frustration. And she's giving what little money she has to my mother's sister, who doesn't do anything to deserve it. It really sizzles my griddle.
    You're doing more for your dad than most people ever would. Vent and take good care of yourself emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3500 days ago
    For what it's worth, I totally understand! I wish I could say something profound, but I can't think of anything except your Dad is very blessed for having you around! emoticon
    3500 days ago
    I have seen at least one other man give and give to the children that did nothing for his care and yet the two that did care for him, didn't do anything to suit him.

    I had a another man tell me that he had to bathe his father and his Dad hated him and would cuss him. He said the only reason he could think of, was his father's loss of dignity.

    My Mom doesn't always know my sister or me. When she asks about my sister, sometimes in her presence, she says, "All she wanted was my money." There is no truth to that.

    I don't have an answer for it. I don't know if they realize how they can hurt with their actions and words. Maybe it is something that many experience.

    Feel free to vent. A caregiver's life is not easy.
    3500 days ago
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