Out of the dark

This has been an interesting blog to decide to write. I have really taken some time off from writing about my weight and work outs etc. So here we go. I am back on spark people and back on working out again. Life kinda got in the way and then again I guess I got in the way too. Anyways long story short:


Got divorced
Moved back to NC
Had to go back to work ( I was blessed to be a SAHM after college), yeah hello real world 5 years later.
Found the man of my dreams who happens to get to eat 4000 calories a day to keep his muscle mass up (not complaining, love the muscles, lol)
Oh and managed to gain 30lbs back
And now that you are all caught up. Here we are again.

I guess in the grand scheme of thing when you've lost 180lbs, 30 isn't the end of the world. I've still lost a person. But man, does it feel like I've gained 130lbs back. I don't recognize who am in the mirror, but I don't recognize the pictures of that skinny girl (that I thought was still so fat at the time). This time is much different. Before I had no clue what I looked like at 160. That was a mythical person who never existed. Now, I know, and there are pictures to taunt me of what that girl looked like. There is no one to blame for this but me. It was my fault and life got dark for awhile. Which is horrible for an emotional eater. Somehow though all those cupcakes never made the pain go away. There were some hard facts to deal with. Life changed and I had to as well. I can't eat like a normal person, I know that. I have to work out, my metabolism is so slow it isn't even funny and I also know this fact. And somewhere in life I think I forgot to prioritize myself. In the midst of the chaos and the storm, I lost me. I think often times we all tend to do that. We are worried about what our partner needs, what our job needs, what our children need, what our friends/family need and we stretch ourselves so thin (which generally results in my not being thin ironically). I lost myself in that I didn't devote the time to myself I needed and that I pretended to be someone I am not blessed to be. I may have looked like that girl on the outside that could eat everything and not gain a lb, but let me tell you that girl ain't me. So here we are, back to the basics, back to the beginning. No fads, no quick fixes, just hard work, and lot of reading labels.

*I must also put out the disclaimer, that "the man" is great and absolutely supports me in all of this. Yes, we met when I was super fit and thin, but he loves me anyways, and is willing to help me in anyway I let him. It is nice to have a built in trainer, when I'm not yelling back at him. This is for me and I've said that a million times it seems to so many people. You can't do this for anyone else. You don't get up at 5 am to run before work for anyone other than yourself and maybe your kids. He and the munchkin are always my driving force, but this is for me. To be happy and healthy, and out of the dark.