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ARARAIDER

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So far have I fallen and looking for a friend to help me up! (Update time)

Saturday, March 08, 2014

It's been a very long time since I've written a blog and I think I would feel a lot better to just get this out. I've gone through a lot of changes over the last several years, and I don't just mean the physically visual ones...I'm no longer with my ex, James. We broke up and after him I met Troy, who ended up being an awful, incredibly abusive and very detrimental relationship to my health and emotional state of mind. Thankfully, two years ago I got a dog, a black Pomeranian puppy that I got to keep me from ...being lonely. I had never felt so lonely in that relationship in my entire life than when I was single, because at least when I was single I was allowed to have friends...Sonic helped me to change my life, he gave me something to live for, to take care of, a reason to get up in the morning. I wanted to change my life for the better so that I could actually be there to take care of. I no longer felt lonely because I had a little dog who loved me, that was always happy to see me, was loyal, kind and caring which is far more than I can say for how my ex treated me. I still think, if I hadn't gotten Sonic I still might be trapped in that awful, wretched relationship...destroying my life. I have more love for my little dog than any stupid boyfriend ever. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, I just need my little dog. He's like my fluffy child with fur. He sleeps on my bed beside me every night, goes for walks with me every-where...I never feel lonely or sad because I have this wonderful fluffy companion to take care of. Dogs really are your best friend. Anyone who says otherwise, never had a dog in their life to take care of and love.

Four years ago I reached my happy weight around September, 2010 I had made a blog entry but it was nothing spectacular. What [I]WAS[/I] spectacular...was how I felt. I felt great...I felt good. I felt like everything I wore finally looked good on me and that I didn't need to be embarrassed while wearing it because I no longer had my love handles bulging out over my jeans at my sides. When I gain weight...it goes right to my thighs and love handles. I don't know why they were ever called love handles...with the mass of jiggly flesh...who would [I]love[/I] to grab onto that? Certainly not I!...

So, back on topic. For the past four years since I was actively on spark people...I went through a series of depression and cycled through gaining a ton of weight then getting miserable with my body and making an effort to lose it all, over and over. Each time I got to my goal weight, I never felt better, nor happier than I was when I was at my goal weight. during those times It felt AMAZING! I had more energy. I had more spunk, and I especially had more confidence! I actually enjoyed clothes-shopping for cute, trendy and stylish clothing...all of which are now sitting neatly, folded away in my drawers un-used for quite a long time now since I have now deemed myself un-worthy to wear them....Or rather it's because I actually don't fit them anymore so my chub hangs out in a rather unsightly, lumpy looking sort of manner that is unbelievably embarrassing. So, because of this they lay tucked away, patiently waiting the day they can fit my slim, sculpted curves once again. I often day dream about the skinny me and torture myself with all the pictures that had been taken of me while I was in the best shape ever. It only makes me sad to see those pictures because it's a reminder of how good of shape I [I]WAS[/I] in, but it also makes me happy and gives me something to work for because I did it once before and that is the greatest thing of all. If I did it once before, nothing can stop me from doing it again! I WILL get there again, no matter what! I will work hard! Even if I cry, screw up, gain weight instead of lose, as long as I KEEP trying and NEVER give up I [I]WILL[/I] get there. It's the destiny that I've chosen for myself and I won't accept anything less nor stop until I've reached my goal...And even then, I won't stop because I will have to keep working hard to maintain! That was my problem. Once I had hit my goal weight I quickly fell back into old habits through a very destructive downward spiral of stress, depression, binge-eating and NO exercise what-so-ever. That combination would make ANYONE gain back all the weight they lost. It didn't help that I'd gotten sick a lot of the time too because I was stressed all the time, partly the fault of me not exercising which was really a vicious cycle that kept going back and forth until I ate my way into being twenty pounds heavier than I am supposed to be. Once again, I hide in hoodies and sweatpants. I practically live in the shade of black, I'm not got or emo' but, since black is slimming, it's what I wear. I have zero confidence. I can't stand to look at the jiggly blubber on my thighs and love-handles that I can grab handfuls of. I wouldn't be caught DEAD in a bathing-suit looking like this! My thighs jiggle and rub against each-other when I walk...It's uncomfortable. It's unattractive. I'm not happy with my body and I desperately want to change it. I want to change it and KEEP it the way that I work hard to change it to. I did it before, I can do it again..But this time...this time it will be different because I will NOT gain it all back after. I will KEEP on sparking every day after as if I still had all the weight to lose all over again (but with some modifications/adjustments since I will be eating and exercising to MAINTAIN my weight) I say this because I have no doubt in my head that I won't reach my goal. I can do this! I know I can! persistence is perseverance and perseverance is success.

I know that with the help of SparkPeople, I KNOW that I'll be able to reach my goal. Sparkpeople is truly an amazing, incredible tool for assisting one for getting back into shape, keeping track of calories, fitness, and many, many other things, but most of all...It's the people ON sparkpeople who can be the most help...The most inspiring and helpful, kind and caring people I've ever met I love this site...I know if I work hard, use my Spark every day it helps keep me in-line. I need that kind of boost to help me along. I think most people do...which is why I'm always happy to help anyone along the way that I can too. The sad thing is...most of my sparkfriends no longer come on sparkpeople, have abandoned their accounts or deleted them entirely...so...I was really hoping I could make some new friends here. I promise to be a good, supportive sparkfriend! I'm always happy to be an ear to listen, or share what I know when my friends need help. If anyone out there who's reading this would like to have me as a new sparkfriend, please, don't hesitate to leave a comment on my sparkpage, my blog, or PM. I'd love to have you as a friend!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ARARAIDER
    Thank you Babysox for the kind comment on my wall, pets are awesome. I know if I didn't have my dog I wouldn't get out of the house as nearly often as I do now, that's for sure lol! As for the lifestyle changes, well, I've definitely been working on those..every day...I'm determined! I know I can do it if I try hard enough.


    PIR8CHIK, I'm so happy you've come back to sparkpeople. I'm sorry that I wasn't around the times you were trying to message me...It was a lot of chaos and struggles but...I really think I'm a better person for it all now...as hard as it was. It was definitely some of the worst times of my life, I don't want to ever have to go back through that again...so...here I am now, trying to make a difference in making myself be happy in this life.

    But, yeah, I'm very happy you've come back too! With you around I just KNOW we'll be able to reach our goals. I'm trying super hard to try and reach mine for summer so I can actually spend my summer being seen in shorts or a swimsuit that I DON'T feel self-concious in for once like I usually do and waste my summer hiding...I don't want to do that at all. So...working hard to make my dream for this year a reality! I was thinking...maybe we should exchange emails with each other incase we ever end up being unable to keep up with sparkpeople. I have enjoyed talking to you as a dear friend as time goes by...and I check my email fairly often. Let me know what you think...I've tried sending you some sparkmail recently too...not sure if you got it though. I'll try again and send you my email addy if you're interested. I look forward to talking to you again soon! :) emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


    2492 days ago
  • PIR8CHIK
    Hi Ari!
    Don't you worry....not ALL of your SPark friends are gone. After reading your blog tonight my promise to you is that will start Sparking again. You've been through so much. I remeber back when when we first became friends! REmember that awesome picture you did where you made that cool background behind me like outer space?! That was so cool! I still use that picture! That was so sweet of you.
    I sure missed you when you disappeared. I worried about you. I kept sending random messages.....always hoping you'd come back.....hoping there would be some way that I could help you. I'm sorry that you went through such a rough patch.
    I know all too well about bad relationships. I've been in them too. But the best part is that you got out!
    Dogs (and cats too) are so wonderfully sweet and really just love unconditionally. I'm glad that your cute little pup helped you grow and become happy.
    Stay focused and remember that whether you are a size 0 or a size 20....your beauty lies inside of you, not on the outside. The joy & happiness that you share makes you even more beautiful on the outside.
    Focus on being healthy and happy and the rest will fall into place.
    I missed you! I look forward to catching up with you.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Melissa
    2497 days ago
  • no profile photo BABYSOX
    Congrats for getting out of what sounds like a bad relationship. Pets really do add a lot to our lives. You know how to reach your goal weight but it sounds like you need to make some permanent lifestyle changes that will help you maintain. emoticon
    2515 days ago
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