So far have I fallen and looking for a friend to help me up! (Update time)
Saturday, March 08, 2014
It's been a very long time since I've written a blog and I think I would feel a lot better to just get this out. I've gone through a lot of changes over the last several years, and I don't just mean the physically visual ones...I'm no longer with my ex, James. We broke up and after him I met Troy, who ended up being an awful, incredibly abusive and very detrimental relationship to my health and emotional state of mind. Thankfully, two years ago I got a dog, a black Pomeranian puppy that I got to keep me from ...being lonely. I had never felt so lonely in that relationship in my entire life than when I was single, because at least when I was single I was allowed to have friends...Sonic helped me to change my life, he gave me something to live for, to take care of, a reason to get up in the morning. I wanted to change my life for the better so that I could actually be there to take care of. I no longer felt lonely because I had a little dog who loved me, that was always happy to see me, was loyal, kind and caring which is far more than I can say for how my ex treated me. I still think, if I hadn't gotten Sonic I still might be trapped in that awful, wretched relationship...destroying my life. I have more love for my little dog than any stupid boyfriend ever. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, I just need my little dog. He's like my fluffy child with fur. He sleeps on my bed beside me every night, goes for walks with me every-where...I never feel lonely or sad because I have this wonderful fluffy companion to take care of. Dogs really are your best friend. Anyone who says otherwise, never had a dog in their life to take care of and love.
Four years ago I reached my happy weight around September, 2010 I had made a blog entry but it was nothing spectacular. What [I]WAS[/I] spectacular...was how I felt. I felt great...I felt good. I felt like everything I wore finally looked good on me and that I didn't need to be embarrassed while wearing it because I no longer had my love handles bulging out over my jeans at my sides. When I gain weight...it goes right to my thighs and love handles. I don't know why they were ever called love handles...with the mass of jiggly flesh...who would [I]love[/I] to grab onto that? Certainly not I!...
So, back on topic. For the past four years since I was actively on spark people...I went through a series of depression and cycled through gaining a ton of weight then getting miserable with my body and making an effort to lose it all, over and over. Each time I got to my goal weight, I never felt better, nor happier than I was when I was at my goal weight. during those times It felt AMAZING! I had more energy. I had more spunk, and I especially had more confidence! I actually enjoyed clothes-shopping for cute, trendy and stylish clothing...all of which are now sitting neatly, folded away in my drawers un-used for quite a long time now since I have now deemed myself un-worthy to wear them....Or rather it's because I actually don't fit them anymore so my chub hangs out in a rather unsightly, lumpy looking sort of manner that is unbelievably embarrassing. So, because of this they lay tucked away, patiently waiting the day they can fit my slim, sculpted curves once again. I often day dream about the skinny me and torture myself with all the pictures that had been taken of me while I was in the best shape ever. It only makes me sad to see those pictures because it's a reminder of how good of shape I [I]WAS[/I] in, but it also makes me happy and gives me something to work for because I did it once before and that is the greatest thing of all. If I did it once before, nothing can stop me from doing it again! I WILL get there again, no matter what! I will work hard! Even if I cry, screw up, gain weight instead of lose, as long as I KEEP trying and NEVER give up I [I]WILL[/I] get there. It's the destiny that I've chosen for myself and I won't accept anything less nor stop until I've reached my goal...And even then, I won't stop because I will have to keep working hard to maintain! That was my problem. Once I had hit my goal weight I quickly fell back into old habits through a very destructive downward spiral of stress, depression, binge-eating and NO exercise what-so-ever. That combination would make ANYONE gain back all the weight they lost. It didn't help that I'd gotten sick a lot of the time too because I was stressed all the time, partly the fault of me not exercising which was really a vicious cycle that kept going back and forth until I ate my way into being twenty pounds heavier than I am supposed to be. Once again, I hide in hoodies and sweatpants. I practically live in the shade of black, I'm not got or emo' but, since black is slimming, it's what I wear. I have zero confidence. I can't stand to look at the jiggly blubber on my thighs and love-handles that I can grab handfuls of. I wouldn't be caught DEAD in a bathing-suit looking like this! My thighs jiggle and rub against each-other when I walk...It's uncomfortable. It's unattractive. I'm not happy with my body and I desperately want to change it. I want to change it and KEEP it the way that I work hard to change it to. I did it before, I can do it again..But this time...this time it will be different because I will NOT gain it all back after. I will KEEP on sparking every day after as if I still had all the weight to lose all over again (but with some modifications/adjustments since I will be eating and exercising to MAINTAIN my weight) I say this because I have no doubt in my head that I won't reach my goal. I can do this! I know I can! persistence is perseverance and perseverance is success.
I know that with the help of SparkPeople, I KNOW that I'll be able to reach my goal. Sparkpeople is truly an amazing, incredible tool for assisting one for getting back into shape, keeping track of calories, fitness, and many, many other things, but most of all...It's the people ON sparkpeople who can be the most help...The most inspiring and helpful, kind and caring people I've ever met I love this site...I know if I work hard, use my Spark every day it helps keep me in-line. I need that kind of boost to help me along. I think most people do...which is why I'm always happy to help anyone along the way that I can too. The sad thing is...most of my sparkfriends no longer come on sparkpeople, have abandoned their accounts or deleted them entirely...so...I was really hoping I could make some new friends here. I promise to be a good, supportive sparkfriend! I'm always happy to be an ear to listen, or share what I know when my friends need help. If anyone out there who's reading this would like to have me as a new sparkfriend, please, don't hesitate to leave a comment on my sparkpage, my blog, or PM. I'd love to have you as a friend!