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A Critical Place in my Weight Loss

Sunday, May 31, 2015

"The light is critical: of me, of this long-dreamed, involuntary landing on the arm of an inland sea." (from Adrienne Rich's poem, "Integrity")

I am aware that I am moving through a "critical" passage in my journey. How is it best to describe it...? but to acknowledge a deep hurt attached to the weight number representing 166 pounds.

It happened on Christmas Day (1995)...presents wrapped, all 3 children were in their Sunday best (the little girls' hair combed and brushed up with ribbons), I had been VERY busy, working hard in the kitchen, baking and cooking (roasting a turkey to take over to my ex-in-laws' home). And when my ex-husband got up from sleeping in, I wrapped my arms around him and said, "Merry Christmas, I Love You." The deep hurt was caused by his reply because you see, words are powerful. He said, "Yeah, but after all of this is over, you're going to have to lose some weight!" I weighed 166 on that Christmas morning.

That happened twenty years ago, yet I am aware that I have allowed my own resistance to his hurtful words to be an obstacle in my weight loss journey. And my inner critic whispers, are you just looking for some justification? And so with this writing, I acknowledge that I have an inner critic too. In January of 2007, I began my weight loss journey weighing 256 pounds and I lost 90 pounds, down to 166. I have not reached my weight loss goal to weigh 152 pounds yet. I have been examining why I stopped at the number, 166?

On January 2nd of this year, I weighed 197.1 and I worked hard this year and with the support of my fitness partner, IUSBDEB, encouragement from HILLRUNNER, phone conversations with INDYGIRL and the BLC27 challenge to lose weight. Last Wednesday's weigh-in for the current BLC28 challenge was 168.8.

I am aware that I am finding myself in what I can only describe as a critical "place" in my journey and desire to weigh 152.

And so I've been pondering something I read on Spark several months ago:

"Limitations only exist if you let them."

My desire is to remove this limitation associated with weighing 166. My desire is to move past this obstacle that I have been holding onto as a hurt-filled excuse. My desire is to arrive at my weight loss goal of 152. I'm so close.

AFTERTHOUGHT: The date on my START page here in Spark was set for May 31, 2015 to arrive at 152. I changed it to show August 12, 2015 which is the final weigh-in for this BLC 28 round.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    OH! I understand now. I missed this.
    I wish you much success, will be cheering for you emoticon emoticon
    2044 days ago
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    2054 days ago
    remember that a number is just a number, and hold it separate from the hard cold words. That way you can move past your obstacle.
    2056 days ago
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    2058 days ago

    2058 days ago
    emoticon for a wonderful blog...and also Jen of my team (Azures) to post your link.....really enjoyed reading such an inspirational journey you are taking and know you will get to your destination! Janice emoticon
    2058 days ago
    This is so inspiring and also something that so many of us can relate to in some way. You are amazing, and I think you did a fabulous thing by re-setting your goal and having a new goal that we can all help you with. I hope to be you when I grow up. ;-)
    - Jen from Azure
    2058 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2712264
    emoticon emoticon
    2058 days ago
    "...a deep hurt attached to the weight number representing 166 pounds." My dear friend, you are so much stronger than even this deep hurt. Your intent, your desire to reach your goal weight is set. Those painful words are history, they are a lifetime ago, and yet, as you continue to focus on your plan, you approach this number with painful memory. It is at once, moving forward and stepping back. I encourage you to continue to move forward. Pass this number and the additional pounds that will take you to your goal. It is for you that you do this. You are worthy of this effort, do not let those cruel words chain you down. I'm sure he has long forgotten his thoughtless words, they are not a barrier for him. It is you, dear one, who is left holding this deep hurt. Let it go a little with each ounce you lose. Let it motivate rather than limit. Let it become your victory, plant your flag on 166, claim it as a victory won, and continue on to the summit. You can move through this hurt. You are strong, focused, dialed in, motivated, and you have a cheering host around you encouraging you forward....forward....forward. emoticon
    2058 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2244567
    I so know what u r going through. I was told he might like n e more if I would lose my gut. Watching everything I eat etc. He is hurting me more.
    2059 days ago
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