A Week of Journaling: Exploring Anxiety
Sunday, October 18, 2020
Hello fellow Sparks!
This week, I am tasked with journaling for a week, and I plan to delve into some sticky topics that I have had to deal with over the years when it comes to weight loss. I'm going to begin with anxiety, because it is the newest issue I've become familiar with on my quest to become more mentally healthy, and also to deal with my "issues" surrounding my weight issues.
If I take it all the way back to the first time I realize I was "fat" it was probably second grade. I was always in bigger sizes than the other girls, even though I didn't think I was fat, I was always receiving signs that I was. "Oh you wear an 8??" or even my mother telling me to ask the other girls what size they wore to see if mine was higher.
I've had size anxiety FOREVER. Going into stores and hoping the clothes there will fit me. Then having to go just to Lane Bryant, or to the "fat side" of Dress Barn, and not even bothering to look for clothes in my size in the "normal" stores.
So back in 2018 when I lost a ton of weight and got all the way down to a size 16, I was beside myself. I could actually shop at JC Penney. I could find my size. And they fit! After regaining 50 pounds due to who knows what reason besides lack of focus, I now cannot fit those jeans, and it makes me sad.
I don't just have anxiety about size though. I have it about so many things. I always convinced myself that I worried enough about something, it wouldn't come true. I can remember many sleepless nights where I would lie in bed and just worry about everything-- from dying, loved ones dying, people not liking me, people talking about me, my job, money-- you name it, I was worrying about it. Then when my worries were unfounded, I always felt somewhat of a sense of relief, like I'd done myself some huge favor. When in actuality, I'd just lost sleep, and usually would "celebrate" my unfound feelings with food.
Whenever my job was tough, I'd dream my way out of it by imagining all the things I'd buy on the way home from work and eat and eat and eat until I couldn't eat anymore. Of course, I'd have some guilty feelings afterwards, and I'd always tell myself... "I'll start tomorrow." But tomorrow didn't come for years and years.
Anxiety has definitely crept to the forefront admist COVID. I know I packed on the COVID 20 just from having severe anxiety about if tomorrow would actually ever come for months. Even though we are still in the midst of it, things have started to settle and I've refocused my efforts to my health.
Now the question is, how do I deal with anxiety? What can I do differently from here forward to not have to worry about the unknown? Lately, I've tried to meditate before falling asleep, which helps, but it doesn't always cure everything. At this point, I am happy I am at least aware of it.
And there will be no more celebrations with food.