Tuesday, November 10, 2020
Did you know that some people don't have an inner monologue? I learned this the other day and it fascinated me. I've always had one, and while I may not like that voice in my head from time to time, I'm glad she's there.
So, I learned that some people's inner voice doesn't speak to them in sentences but instead is a barrage of ideas that the person has to connect and vocalize. Being someone who has a hard time putting words out, I'm grateful mine is kinda eloquent. lol. My inner monologue is honest. . . usually. She is the quiet representation of raw emotion that I typically have to analyze and pull apart before I speak as not to sound mean spirited or ugly. It doesn't always work... She's also the voice that tells me that I need to stop, sit, rest, relax, calm down, stop over doing it..... ask for help. I struggle here, because I don't ask for help.
Yesterday was overwhelming. I have been in the throws of a particularly nasty flair up of symptoms for about 5 days and on Sunday WAY OVER DID IT, so yesterday..... I paid, in spades. I got home from work and the house was a mess, the dishes weren't done, the laundry is piling up, and I needed to make dinner. I started in on the mess and quickly realized that my inner voice was screaming STOP STOP STOP, and I was ignoring it. My body was trying to tell me that I was doing too much, my brain was telling me it needed to get done and my mouth let loose a barrage of expletives that would make my Sailor friends blush. (I'm not proud of that.) My husband came in...... looked at me like I had two heads and asked what the hell was wrong. I cried. Cried..... I'm overwhelmed.... I'm agitated.... and everyone else in the house is playing video games. I said to him..... I need help... I just can't do it.
I broke down. For the first time since all of the started, I cried. I cried over the need to ask for help, the loss of independence, the feeling of failure.... I sobbed because for the first time, I'm acknowledging that I can't just "get it done." It was cathartic.
His response was "you just have to ask." I sometimes forget that my family, as amazing and talented as they are, can not mind read. . .
Today, I feel better. I still feel broken, but I am resolved to listen that that voice when she tells me to ask for help. I am starting to realize that, this is my new normal, like it or not, and that I have to learn to adjust with it. It's not going to be easy, but I have an amazing support system. . . and I just have to ask.