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The Struggle is Real

Sunday, November 22, 2020

Things are going only so-so for me. I am feeling myself slipping into a low-level depression the last couple of days. This is not unheard of for me. I am Bipolar and was slightly manic earlier this month with the time change so I may just be cycling. The problem is that I cannot take anti-depressants as they up my mood too much (make me manic) so I just have to work the depression out on my own. I am trying to up my exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, etc. Sleep is hard right now. I laid in bed until 3 am last night just feeling all my emotions and crying until I finally drifted off. And I am just kinda numb today because I am so exhausted because I only slept 4 hours last night. Church was very hard today. I tried to be happy and "normal" but it was difficult. I am glad I only have to pull that off once a week. I go into the office only tomorrow and I hope I do okay. I'm pretty good about compartmentalizing when I'm at work and I just get my game face on and work work work. That's the plan for tomorrow through Wed. though I am remote Tues. and Wed. I just hope I can keep myself together tomorrow. Depending on how I feel tomorrow, if I don't feel better, I will email my doctor and ask for advice. Meds aren't really an option but he may have ideas. I have an appointment with my therapist after Thanksgiving and maybe I can try to see him more regular like. If this continues I can also try to see a therapist outside my provider. I have gone to Loma Linda Hospital's outpatient program before and liked it. I have to pay cash but it's an option if I continue to slip.

I'm going to see my family in AZ this week (I'm in CA) for the holiday and I'm very happy about that. It will be a good distraction and I know I can talk to my cousin about all this and she will listen and talk to me and won't judge. Mental illness runs rampant on that side of the family so we all have our problems! I hope to feel better by next weekend once I see my family. But I will have to quarantine for two weeks when I get home and that will be difficult. I am struggling with feelings of intense loneliness right now. I will need to come up with some sort of plan this week as to the best way to deal with those two weeks-- people I can call on the phone, etc. to get me through.

My weight is about the same. No loss no gain this month. I hope to turtle through Thanksgiving.

I bought myself two graphic novels off of Ancient Faith books that I had my eye on as an early Christmas/St. Nicholas Day gift. They should be here in a week. I will be done with my class in about two weeks so they will something nice to look forward to after class is done. They are written for teens but they look interesting and I have heard good things about them from the parents at church. I enjoy kids' books as much as I enjoy adult books sometimes, I find.

Got my Christmas shopping done today. Bought a couple things at church. There was a monastery that set up a booth after liturgy and I bought a nesting doll for a friend. It is handmade from Belarus. I also ordered a couple of other things online and I am all good I think. I need to buy a gift card for my Dad still but will do that next month.

Today I'm Grateful For...
1) That I have a job that I can work both in the office and remotely.
2) For good friends at church and not at church and here on Spark People.
3) That the holiday is coming and I have a three-day workweek.
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