Sunday, May 30, 2010
Yesterday was a huge blow to my self esteem... No one died, I wasn't physically threatened, no one I know suffered, I wasn't embarrassed in any way, ... But, something happened to me on the inside that I can't quite explain. I was angry, I was frustrated, I felt hopeless and there was no distinct reason why. I felt like I was going crazy. For some reason I was bombarded by vivid memories of the past...my past... Things that I'd done that I didn't feel particularly proud of....and some things that I've learned to feel good about though at the time I felt like my world was crashing down. Though as these memories assaulted me I felt no comfort....none of the blurred softness that time blessedly wipes on shame. I tried watching TV....I tried listening to music...reading, cleaning, playing with my cats... I tried every distraction that I could think of, but I couldn't get these visions out of my head. One thing that I noticed right off the bat was that I was in self-destruct mode. This anger, this frustration, this hopelessness that I was feeling was directed at myself. I took one look in the mirror and all I could see is where I came from...I didn't see the smaller body that I've worked on meticulously....I didn't feel the muscles in my limbs that weren't firm and efficient a few months before....I saw only the journey ahead....I saw defeat. The past few months my journey toward health has taken me on a rollercoaster, but I never felt this low. That little vicious voice inside my head that I thought was beaten down into a bloody pulp screamed at me that I was worthless....that I would never be thin and healthy....I would never have any measurable value and that I should just give up the charade. I didn't cry then as I cry writing this... It might have helped...but no... I was stuck in a stoic spiral into chaos. We don't buy alot of junk food at my house nowadays. The only chips we buy are the baked kind and when I do splurge on some I always measure out the amounts as if I were measuring out medicine for a sick child....very very carefully. Not this time... A part of me was shocked.... "What are you doing?!" I grabbed the entire bag and went for the dip. Ironically I took out a saucer as I usually do and set it on the scale and started to measure each spoonful that I put on the plate....apparently good habits die hard too. But, this time I kept adding dip...defying the ever increasing numbers on the digital food scale...relishing the fact that I could sit for a longer period of time on my ass and stuff my face without getting up and measuring another portion. I ate and ate and ate....and then I wanted something sweet. I ate a chocolate ice cream bar (the 100 calorie kind)....and I kept eating. Again...ironically, I was overeating in measured portions which is funny in a sad sort of way. If the twisted maniacal force inside me had it's way I'd know exactly, to the gram, how much food you needed to eat yourself to death. I didn't want to get on SparkPeople...I didn't want to calculate and log and leave supportive messages when I felt like I was a failure...a sham... When the massacre was over and I was reviewing the carnage the toll was considerably lower that I expected.... Great....I can't even bomb successfully. When all was said and done I only gained a modest 3 lbs the next day.....which is entirely within the scope of possibility considering my normal bodily fluctuations. So, what exactly is the point of relating this horror story, you may ask? Well....it's all in the recovery I guess. Today I felt in control...I got up early this morning and started cleaning my house...which always makes me feel good and wears me out. When my husband got up I made us some cereal....in my regular measured portions. And life resumes... I had a bad day..... Now, it was a really really REALLY bad day....but it was just one day. I'm not a failure...I'm not going to die a fat, slovenly low cal chocolate ice cream riddled death... Kind of an oxymoron, dontcha think?? This journey that I'm on isn't just one of fat girl becoming skinny girl. It's a journey of self discovery and self awareness. It's about forming new habits that are good and healthy for me and a good example for my family and friends. One thing that I've discovered....is that I've changed. Officially and irreversibly....I'm a healthier person. I may still be packaged in the fat girl costume....but the skinny girl's officially taken over for good. Failure is not an option...I CAN and WILL do this. I didn't write this for anyone in particular other than myself....but if someone else can get something out of it, great. I've never been one to put myself out there, so, for those of you that are considering death by diet marble fudge....forget it...if you're a Sparker....you're hooked. There's no going back. Health is just a by-product...