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Sunday, July 10, 2011

I have a bad habit of not seeing things that I don’t want to see. Things that hurt, things that make me crazy and upset…I just block them out. I’ve got a friend…a friend that came back to life…or might as well have. It’s one of those jacked up things that you don’t really know if you can trust. In my book, when you give your heart and soul to something…or someone… it means something and shouldn’t be taken lightly. But, she did…and it was… Anyhow…the friend doesn’t matter…at least not to what is on my mind now. Right now I’m thinking about myself and what I mean to me. Each person is an individual and precious in that right. The things that make us individual, extraordinary..should be celebrated and exalted. And yet, in my mind, I’ve covered my eccentricities with a layer of fat. I feel like no one will see those special qualities that I think are pretty damn cool because they will be looking at a fat girl that’s trying too hard. Why do I feel this way? I haven’t felt so insecure and undeveloped since high school. I say that the girl, the friend doesn’t have anything to do with this, but I know she does. Did I mention that the girl that came back to life is now magically skinny? Which is bull….skinny isn’t magic and there was no wand involved in her transformation…but, she came back to life, right? So, to me it’s magic. Lately I feel like I’m going out of my mind… I’m convinced it’s PMS. The really screwed up thing is that the simple fact that I’m having a menstrual cycle at all means that I’m doing something right with my body, but these days I truly hate being female. My husband and rock…the solid foundation to my existence has had to deal with an emotional and disgustingly female version of me. I get emotional, I cry, I get extremely bitchy (you have no idea), I’m confused and can’t seem to make up my mind, I make myself dizzy with the mood swings and…well, damn… One great thing about being as fat as I’ve been…is that I’d go 6+ months without a cycle and I totally felt “normal”. I’m dealing with that… But, now I’m hormonal AND I’m having this identity crisis… Insecurity comes from caring too much about what others are thinking about you. It sounds counter-intuitive, but not caring seems to be the best step in the right direction for me. At least it’s worked for the last few years. The trouble with not caring is that it leads to apathy…laziness and an indifference to excellence. Unfortunately I’ve come to appreciate the excellence in others, but ceased to require it of myself, for myself. It’s impossible to do when you’ve stopped paying attention. I feel like crying now…this paradox within me has me at odds with myself. I used to be great at things. I used to excel at anything that I truly set my mind to. That’s not so anymore and it bothers me to think it. I think about the changes that I brought about in my life in the past…the crazy, insane, against the grain changes that rocked my mind and changed the way I’d look at things for the rest of my life. I think about those changes and I “stare” into that past a bit dreamy-eyed and wonder what could I change now to make my life exciting and daring again? How do you enjoy the kind of peace I’ve gained without becoming complacent? I love my life now…with the exception of my work life that’s become a drudgery though sometimes satisfying. My husband is the greatest man I’ve ever known, we live in a modest home that’s provided us with a comfortable and safe place to lay our heads at night, I don’t want for material possessions, money’s not usually an object though we have neither too much nor too little of it…. And yet there’s something missing and it’s driving me crazy. How do you keep what you’ve got in a full life, but make room for more? New house, children, new/old hobbies, weight loss and/or a focus on health/wellness…but I never see the fellowship of friends as a major aspect of my existence. It used to be a primary drive. I surrounded myself with friends and felt lost/lonely/incomplete without a circle of close friends. The life I live now is a somewhat lonely, but satisfying one. I miss “hanging” with close friends, but I still remember the hole that I felt then that has been filled now with comfort and substance. I feel more complete now than I ever have and yet the emergence of an old friend brings back good memories of those old days when I was so confused. Days when I found out more about myself than I ever have, days when I was probably most miserable in life, lol. She was a light when life was most dark… I’ll just shut my mouth and enjoy breathing in and out for now…enjoy seeing light and colors and beauty… enjoy hearing the sounds of some fantastic music (currently the Wallflowers - seem to make me think…lol)… I’ll enjoy the ability to walk and improve and choose… Choice is nice. Today I choose to live and breathe a beautiful life. I choose to enjoy the good and ignore the bad… It’s not such a bad habit after all…
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • HEATHERBARBER
    I appreciate your honesty here, I like that you are willing to take a look at why you might be feeling how you were and that you chose to make a positive choice by going on a walk.

    I can see from your pictures that your body is transforming-keep up the good work; one choice at a time! :)
    3586 days ago
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