When restarting this lovely "lifestyle change" in January, I was back up at only 11lbs less than my highest (which was 261 in 2004), and I was seriously convinced it wasn't worth it. This is probably part of why I gained back 15 of the 25 I lost in 2 months (the other part was a meds issues). I stopped back into the site in March to log my awesome progress. I was so proud. And then I went into the largest depression streak I have had in YEARS! Thank you big-pharm for messing with my meds so that they backfired-and yes, I'm talking complete lack of wanting to live. SO I weened myself off the meds that had worked faithfully for many a year. It's been hard getting back on the life horse.
I found a lot of my stress and issues were caused by Facebook. Not the drama that can normally be associated with it, but I found myself informing the world of all of the sh!tfest Washington is up to (seriously- read a few bills and recent "executive orders" -yes I use that term lightly ... it's not a conspiracy anymore), and dwelling on all of that kept me down. I am complete appalled by people who chose to live in ignorance, but I have definitely found that choosing what I put all my energy into affects my capabilities of being human. I'm glad they finally switched me to timeline (something I have been adamantly against since its inception) because it gave me a reason to no longer dwell in crap. Since that time, I have been here at SparkPeople. Don't get me wrong, as you can tell by my page I am still more than happy to tell you how I feel about the government. I am more than happy to still do the ground work to inform the masses that we no longer have a constitution, that we will all be POWs in just a few short years (or sooner) unless you abide by their Hitler-esque laws and throw us non-abiders into the fire. And yes, I'm aware that statement offends people, but if you can not see the similarities, your rose coloured glasses need adjusting.
...but I digress.....
SO I started spending my time here at Spark People, and I believe it is the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm trying to take in as much as possible before school starts in a couple weeks because I know I wont be able to go all in at that point.
I have found myself approving purchases I would not normally be able to justify - like a new scale and the $15 I just spent on SparkCoach.
I love the new scale ... especially the fact that it weighs me in at a lower weight than my old, constantly changing, unreliable, analog scale. The plus side of a new scale and the justification of buying it - It's accurate! I love accuracy. The down side of a new scale - It weighs in 0.2 increments. This is normally great for accuracy reason, but it can also be a little downer when it comes to those silly half pounds. On my untrusty analog scale, when I lost 1.6lbs, I could easily and happily round it up to 2. Nothing better than a nice 2lb loss in a week! Now? notsomuch. It wont take long to get use to, but it's a bit depressing at first.
Don't get me wrong, at this point I am happy with any loss. Because- as mentioned above- It's been quite the road trip. It's not that I dont know the program works, Its more of knowing and believing that *I* work! I know eating less and exercising makes me lose weight. and when I do it right (which is harder the older I get) I lose weight at amazingly fast rates (25lbs in 2 months) ... I just haven't found that recipe that keeps me committed. I feel much better about it this time around though. I don't know if it's my intense determination to stop being so damn negative and depressing all the time (aka thinking positive) or if it's just finally the right time for me. I'm a firm believer that if your subconscious isnt ready for a change, a change will not happen. It's true for smoking-as well as any other drug addiction (I know first hand on many accounts)- and it's true for weight loss. I have been fat literally since I was 8 (I was actually "normal" before that!). I know what lead to overeating. I know the darkness in my brain and overall chemical makeup that makes me do the things I do that are detrimental to my health. I have known these things for years. Was I ready to do anything about it? No. Why? I don't know. This time it just seems different though. It's my subconscious that yells at me every day to make better decision on a daily basis - Ok so maybe that's technically my conscience but this isn't a Psychology class so lets move on. It's my subconscious that reprimands the rest of me when I don't do some sort of physical activity every day (as the thunder outside my window ruins my plans for a walk... a walk I could have gotten in had I not been writing this novel).
I enjoy walking now. It was always my choice in exercise, but I never thoroughly enjoyed it. It's therapeutic now. And believe me when I say every time I ever heard someone say that about exercise, I scoffed. I thought "how can a WORKout be therapeutic?!" But believe it or not, it can be! It gives me time to myself (without kids up my butt) to not think of what's going on in my neurotic brain. When i think about which route I am taking next - and I NEVER plan my route before I leave for this reason- I don't dwell in the loudness of my head. So really it gives me a break from myself! We all need that sometimes.
I started losing some focus over the past week, but I found that neat little invention SparkPeople came up with called SparkCoach is addicting. Though it's aimed toward "beginners," it also helps us, who have lost our way, to get back on track. I am still in the 2 week free trial, and most of it I have just gone through the motions with. But there have been bits and pieces (some of the coach videos, some of it the "how are you doing on your program?" page) that have opened my eyes to what I'm doing/not doing. So much so, they convinced me to spend the $15 on the program for 3 months. (and I'm broke so this is a HUGE accomplishment). I don't know if I will ever use the "email a coach" option. I'm weird about emailing people I don't know. But I think just knowing they are there if I need them is helpful and encouraging.
Also, because of this program I have joined a challenge. 10 Minutes a Day. Though I have been doing that in essence with the strength training, I need to focus more on the cardio aspect. baby steps.
So yeah- I don't know where I was going with all this-that damn digression issue of mine. I guess what matters really is where I'm going next. And it seems that is to a better life. I'm scared. That will happen with multiple failed prior attempts, but I look forward to sharing it with all of you who have somehow managed to make it through this ridiculously long a$s blog entry.