The Disconnect Between Seeing and Believing
Sunday, September 09, 2012
Alternate title "Once a Fat Girl, Always a Fat Girl?"
Something amazing happened to me this week.
I stepped on the scale on Tuesday morning.
And I saw a 1. And then a 7.
A big, ear-splitting grin covered my face as I made an excited squeaky-type noise and did a little happy dance on the scale.
I literally cannot tell you the last time I weighed somewhere in the 170s. It was probably Junior High School.
These past few months have been hard work. Zumba, Pilates, cardio, yoga...drinking Herbalife shakes and passing up treats. But every single minute, every single moment of wanting to quit, or take it easy on myself, or just eat the darn cookie, has been worth it. I've finally managed to find the balance where I still enjoy my life, and my food, without feeling miserable or deprived all the time.
I went to a department store on Wednesday and slipped into a size 14 pair of jeans that felt loose and comfortable. I vividly remembered a few months after my son was born, having to buy a pair of jeans in the plus-sizes section (my first trip to that section) because none of my clothes were fitting. After a moment's reflection, I tried the size 12. And they fit. It was astonishing.
Yet here's the rub. Despite seeing the obvious, concrete facts of my weight loss (like the number on the scale and the size of the jeans), despite seeing that there is really less of me in the mirror than there used to be...
...I still feel like a fat girl.
It's like after spending my whole life feeling too big, staring enviously at the pretty, skinny girls in their small clothes, watching boys as they ignored me or worse, taunted me, struggling into a pair of jeans that should fit but don't anymore, turning my face away from pictures and suffering years of guilt trips at the hands of my parents when I made unwise food choices...I can't believe I'm actually, finally, REALLY smaller.
I wonder, will I ever FEEL like anything other than a Former Fat Girl?
I feel GOOD, that much I know. I feel healthy, and energized, and proud of myself for my choices each day.
So for now, that's enough. But I hope someday in the not-so-near future, I will be able to feel Not Fat.
Have a great day, Sparkers.