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The Disconnect Between Seeing and Believing

Sunday, September 09, 2012

Alternate title "Once a Fat Girl, Always a Fat Girl?"

Something amazing happened to me this week.

I stepped on the scale on Tuesday morning.

And I saw a 1. And then a 7.

A big, ear-splitting grin covered my face as I made an excited squeaky-type noise and did a little happy dance on the scale.

I literally cannot tell you the last time I weighed somewhere in the 170s. It was probably Junior High School.

These past few months have been hard work. Zumba, Pilates, cardio, yoga...drinking Herbalife shakes and passing up treats. But every single minute, every single moment of wanting to quit, or take it easy on myself, or just eat the darn cookie, has been worth it. I've finally managed to find the balance where I still enjoy my life, and my food, without feeling miserable or deprived all the time.

I went to a department store on Wednesday and slipped into a size 14 pair of jeans that felt loose and comfortable. I vividly remembered a few months after my son was born, having to buy a pair of jeans in the plus-sizes section (my first trip to that section) because none of my clothes were fitting. After a moment's reflection, I tried the size 12. And they fit. It was astonishing.

Yet here's the rub. Despite seeing the obvious, concrete facts of my weight loss (like the number on the scale and the size of the jeans), despite seeing that there is really less of me in the mirror than there used to be...

...I still feel like a fat girl.

It's like after spending my whole life feeling too big, staring enviously at the pretty, skinny girls in their small clothes, watching boys as they ignored me or worse, taunted me, struggling into a pair of jeans that should fit but don't anymore, turning my face away from pictures and suffering years of guilt trips at the hands of my parents when I made unwise food choices...I can't believe I'm actually, finally, REALLY smaller.

I wonder, will I ever FEEL like anything other than a Former Fat Girl?

I feel GOOD, that much I know. I feel healthy, and energized, and proud of myself for my choices each day.

So for now, that's enough. But I hope someday in the not-so-near future, I will be able to feel Not Fat.

Have a great day, Sparkers.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CHANGING-TURTLE
    You are emoticon not a fat girl
    3244 days ago
  • CLUMBOY
    i understand exactly how you feel. in my case the feeling doesn't go away. it might for you. here is something i have been trying--it was recommended by Dr. Chistiann Northrup (she is an author and medical doctor). every day--EVERY DAY without fail--before you get dressed--stand before the mirror, look yourself in the eye and say
    "i accept and love myself unconditionally just as i am. RIGHT NOW."
    you have to stop thinking as a fat girl or a thin girl and just be a GIRL--a person whom you love. period.
    she claims this will make a huge difference if you do it faithfully for 30 days. i haven't gone 30 days yet, but i do feel differently when i say it to myself now than i did in the beginning.
    might be worth a try.
    you are NOT a fat girl--you are a sparker who is successful every single day. emoticon
    3244 days ago
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