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My Butt Hurts

Friday, April 26, 2013

Yup. I said it, my butt hurts. A lot. Ouchy. I'm not overly pleased with my butt right now. Spin to yoga sounded like a lovely idea. I get cardio for half an hour with some serious biking and sweating, then I get my reward--some stretching, some relaxing, some more sweating and some lying on the floor trying to clear my mind.

The clearing my mind part never works. I usually end up thinking about how my car needs to be attacked by a rabid vacuum or wondering if others can hear my stomach growling, or something else of dire importance like how irritating my soon-to-be-ex can be. Not what the yogini at the front of the room had in mind, I assure you.

Anywho, the first five or so times at spinning after a long hiatus always makes my butt bones feel bruised. So, genius that I am, I thought I should spin then do a workout that requires me to exercise on those same bones. Ooops. My butt protested during class by letting out an audible fart. That's never happened to me before. Other people, yes, but not me. Apparently my butt was ticked at me. Not sure how many people heard it, but I was so glad the instructor didn't say "bless you" as has happened in other classes.

So day two post spin to yoga and I'm still placing myself gingerly on a chair, almost ladylike in my delicate way of perching, a stark contrast to my usual flop.

I loved the workout. I did. I'm going back. I love workouts that leave me drenched in sweat--you know the kind, the ones where you put on pitstick twice before you go, just to decrease the chances of being the stenchy one in the room. When I was going to kickboxing I got a weird sort of glee from throwing a punch and seeing drops of sweat go flying.

So I am back at Spark. I realize now that it is the only thing that works for me. Spark has the elements that I need to be successful.
1) A way to track every morsel of food that passes my lips.
2) Accountability. You jerkfaces notice everything and help me hold myself accountable. I like this about all of you very much. :)
3) A place to track my weight.
4) A way to track my exercise.
5) A way to tie my emotions to what I'm eating and doing regularly by blogging.
Plus, I love the encouragement and feeling of community here.

I don't want to go to meetings. I don't want to drink shakes. I don't want to eat gross frozen food. I don't want to take classes that I could teach about nutrition and lifestyle. My problem has never been a lack of knowledge, it's a problem about doing whatever I want even when I know the consequences.

My weight is up. Lots of up. Up up up. It's also starting to come down, but I managed to undo all of the hard work I did in 2011. The good news is that I know I am 100% capable of taking it off because I've done it before. It's just hard to admit to know that had I kept going the way I was I would probably be at my goal or very near. I just have to let go of that, and the fact that I'd be shopping in clothing stores of all types and maybe wearing some really cute and a little bit tight athletic gear.

I go to work in an ICU and I realize that 80% of my patients wouldn't be there if they had made the decision to eat properly and exercise, to be smoke-free and work to maintain a healthy weight. I don't want to be them. I want to be the 80 year old that is taking yoga classes and being a pain in the ass know it all and driving a convertible that young people think is wasted on an old fart like me. I want to be healthy, long term, and be hiking and biking and doing fun things for many years to come.

I tell people who are trying to lose weight that it isn't about being perfect, it's about starting over and over and over again if you need to. It's not about not eating french fries, it's about eating them once and the next meal, the next day, the next week being back on track. Real life includes birthday cake and special meals.

I'm also learning how to make exercise fun and not always a feel like work. I joined a new gym where I can go, work out, then lounge in the steam room for a bit. Going to the gym now feels like a lifestyle choice, rather than a hurry up and squeeze it in kind of thing.

I've already been in my kayak emoticon four times in the last 2 weeks, I've even done some baby (Class II) whitewater. It doesn't feel like work, it doesn't particularly feel like exercise (it totally is), it feels like fun. I've also been doing indoor rock climbing, which I'm not very good at due to my current weight, but I sweat and I feel strong when I do it. I look forward to the day when I can do the walls that are completely vertical, but for now, I'm happy with the walls with a bit of a slant to help me. I'm looking at buying a bike, so I can ride with the wind in my hair.

At one point in 2011 I was able to run for 8 minutes. 8 freaking minutes. That was like my Mt. Everest there... so it's time to get there again. I could also do an hour on the treadmill averaging 4 miles per hour. I miss that me. I miss that smaller belly that didn't get in the way during yoga. So here I am, following my own advice, and getting back at it.

I know what worked and this lovely place (along with a lot of hard work) was it. So here I am, all 302 pounds of me. That's 9 pounds down from a few weeks ago. I managed to put a stop to the madness at exactly my starting weight of 311 several years ago, and I am thankful that it didn't get any worse than that.

I'm back, finally admitting to myself that I will probably have to track my food for the rest of my life, and I'm better than OK with that.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    There are a bunch of us getting back on track. Welcome. We are in it together and we are healthier for it.
    2988 days ago
    Jerk face checking in! :) Go get 'em Jenn!!!
    2999 days ago
    Glad to see you back! I have missed your blogs!
    3013 days ago
    I gained 15 pds last year! 2012 was jus cray cray! Lets get it gal! I too need to track food! emoticon
    3014 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13416639
    You can do this! Welcome back!
    3014 days ago
  • HHB4181
    and I enjoy being one of your jerk faces. glad to see you back on here!!!
    emoticon emoticon
    make good choices!
    3015 days ago
  • _JODI404
    So glad to see you back! Spark IS THE place to make it happen!!!

    Truly BELIEVE in yourself and make good, realistic choices (most of the time) and you will get there!

    You definitely CAN do this!!

    You've been missed!! Sounds like you are already off to a really great, determined start!!

    emoticon emoticon

    3016 days ago
  • BUTTERFLY-1976
    emoticon Welcome back!
    3016 days ago
    Welcome back! Hope you stay with it. I too had a relapse. Fortunately when I saw that scale at 198 again I finally took myself in hand. I am down 9 pounds this morning but it seems so hard. However we can do it! We can succeed. One pound at a time. It is a journey not a destination.
    3016 days ago
  • DJSHIP46
    Welcome back... Love your enthusiasm and will help you applaud your success.
    3016 days ago
    Welcome back. I've missed you
    3016 days ago
    We missed you! *I* missed you. And you humor and your way with words and the way you pushed me to be better just with your presence and knowing you were nearby.
    3016 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/27/2013 1:07:53 AM
    Welcome back!!! I'm still here, restarting every day. That's my plan for now!
    3016 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Yup, it takes what it takes, babycakes. Recovery, from anything, often includes relapses and this is no different. You are so not alone in your struggles. Your attitude, your determination, your humility, your willingness - will all serve you well. Yes, clearly you can do this. I join the happy chorus of Sparklers who were thrilled to see a notice of a blog from you. Welcome back - we ARE your people, my dear. emoticon
    3016 days ago
    I think I nearly squealed when I saw a new blog from you! So glad that you are back. You are so right-you have done this before, and you can so do this again.
    3016 days ago
    Yay to Spinning! One of my very favorites, 2nd only to road cycling... :-)

    Have to brave the only-guy-in-the-class thing and get MY Butt to yoga sometime!

    3016 days ago
    Glad you're back! It was great to read your blog again. emoticon emoticon
    3016 days ago
  • WINNIE1978
    Welcome back!
    3016 days ago
    Welcome back! It's great to see that you're back at it!
    3017 days ago
    Great blog, and welcome back!
    3017 days ago
    You can do this! You've got this.
    3017 days ago
  • JENNA54
    Great blog, Jenn! and so wonderful that you are back and raring to go. Your blog speaks to all of us, and you've said so beautifully all the things that I and so many others feel too. We can do this! SP is fantastic - I keep coming back, and all I ever get is positive reinforcement, support and a whole lot of friendship and laughter as we all struggle with our own journeys. With you ALL the way!
    3017 days ago
    emoticon BACK! Starting over and over and over - isn't that the truth! Good for you for being back here - happy to see you!
    3017 days ago
    Hey honey! Glad to see you back! emoticon
    3017 days ago
    Welcome back. I've missed your blogs. Best of luck with everything!
    3017 days ago
  • -LINDA_S
    Great to see you back! And best of luck in all your endeavors. Love reading your blog!
    3017 days ago
    Oh baby she is back, I have missed you !!!! Loved your blog, I invite you to go and read my blog "Coming Clean in 2013 for Me" - you are not alone my friend. So bring it on, we both have challenges to conquer....yourself it's the indoor climbing...myself is to manage a chin or pull up all by myself. Keep coming back because we're going to be here to spread the love !!!! emoticon
    3017 days ago
    emoticon emoticon back Jenn! I've missed you! You are strong, beautiful, amazing, and so much more than number on a scale. I've been struggling with my scale too, so I can relate. But the good news is every day IS a fresh start, and chance to make better choices than the day before. One day at a time gets the job done!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3017 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/26/2013 3:19:25 PM
    So happy to see your name pop up again! Sorry (or happy?) to hear about the "soon to be ex" part. I hate those times. *hugs* But congrats on your new inspiration and best of luck, lady!
    3017 days ago
    How wonderful to see a blog post from you! Glad you're back! You can do it!
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12558358
    So excited that you are back! emoticon
    3017 days ago
    Welcome back!!! So glad to see you... love the blog... I need to know what kind of kayak you have???? where you got it... etc... If you help me with kayaking.. I'll help you with biking??? I'm a bit older than you (I'm 51).. but we have a lot in common.. Although I'm in administration now, my specialty is critical care (I got accepted to CRNA school but backed out when I realized I'd be working with surgeons.. LOL duh... ).. and I too recently returned to Spark.. although I'm finding my way this time using Paleo and CrossFit...

    Anyhoo, you're gonna rock this and be below 300 SOON and running for 10 minutes!! I just hit the 280s and am beside myself with joy...

    3017 days ago
  • NUMD97
    Welcome back!

    "2) Accountability. You jerkfaces notice everything and help me hold myself accountable. I like this about all of you very much. :) "

    Oh, and you're welcome. Any time.


    3017 days ago
  • 23KAIYA
    3017 days ago
    Glad you are back. I always enjoy your blog's so much!
    3017 days ago
    Loved your post! And just what I need for motivation today! Have been feeling like a failure for slkiding backward lately but reading your blog reminds me that we can't change the past - and the future is full of promise with support from people like you! Thanks.
    3017 days ago
  • CAALAN23
    Oh hey! So glad you came back! I just recently came back myself. Yes, my weight jumped back up and yes you are absolutely right about Spark working so here we both are.


    You are awesome and I can't wait to read more blogs because they do make me laugh. And really, there should be a calorie burn for that, plus it's just fun.

    Enjoy your day. :)
    3017 days ago
    I loved your blog post!
    Welcome back and GREAT FOR YOU!!

    3017 days ago
  • 123ELAINE456
    Awesome Blog. This is the WTG!!! KEEP PUSHING FORWARD!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! God Blessings To Everyone. Have a Wonderful Weekend. Take Care. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    3017 days ago
    I'm so glad that you came back to spark. Since we all know that there are other places you could be at this moment in your life: feeding depression, feeding denial, feeding anger. But you are here, FEELING everything, and knowing deep down that you want MORE.
    Enter the sore buns...I'm glad you've got them!!! We all are. We're here to shout and yell at you when needed, and hold you when times suck. And there will be some sucky times I'm sure you know.
    I'm in the same boat as you, I've gained my weight back. I was sad and mad and then more sad, and then p!ssed, but somehow I made that commitment again to myself to spark the heck outta myself and MAKE IT HAPPEN DARN IT!!!
    We can do it. We did it once. I'm up for the challenge. Are you? I know your buns are...: )))
    I missed you baby cakes! Just had to say that.
    3017 days ago
    I love seeing your name in my friend feed because it's a sign that I'm about to read a great blog. I'm so glad you're back! (I can never find that zen in yoga either!)
    3017 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Question: If your butt hurts, will you be able to maneuver into your kayak? It seems like those poor abused glutes will scream in protest when you bend down THAT far! You are one brave chickadee to even try one after the other.

    I wish you the best after your next visit to "healthy-land to reduce your butt. Don/t go too far with that either,, you don't want to be one of those 80 year old women with NO butt! Convertible or no, that is just "Icky"!
    3017 days ago
    Good to see you back! Just think how much easier it'll be this time around (yeah, right, who am I kidding?). It's still a lot of hard work but you can do it!
    emoticon emoticon
    I've been kind of bad lately too about tracking and Sparking and I need to be a whole lot better, because it absolutely makes a difference. So know that you are NOT alone! We're all in this together with you.
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13487241
    Hehe! great sense of humor! it will be the thing that keeps you going i do believe......so that u are the skinny old fart know it all someday!!!! Good for you for coming back and starting again. it is the first step......keep going!
    Good luck on your journey
    3017 days ago
    I'm so glad that you are back! I have missed you and I love many of the things that you said in your blog. I can relate to so much of it.

    3017 days ago
    Great to see you back and to hear your resolve!
    3017 days ago
    Glad to see you back and posting!!!
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8639152
    Hey, I've missed you! Glad you're back!!!
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8092638
    I too love flying sweat droplets!
    3017 days ago
    What a phenomenal post! I too, have reached my starting point, again, and your post has inpired me. Thanks for your words and humor. I needed them today. Congratulations on your respark... and your hurting butt! :)
    3017 days ago
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