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Avoidant Behavior Is My Friend

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Thank you, Spark, for providing me with a place where I can spend lots of time not doing my homework and still convince myself that I'm doing something "good" for myself :)

I have a paper due on Monday at midnight-- a paper that is a giant waste of my time that I would rather gnaw my own arm off than work on right now--so of course I am here, blogging.

Things are going well. My body is starting to shed some pounds, I'm starting to feel the difference in a few pieces of clothing and I've been very good about watching what I eat and how much I eat. There are so many times when I wish for ignorance is bliss mode. For example, I would be a far happier person today if I didn't know that my favorite Starbucks beverage (Venti No Foam Soy Earl Grey/Awake tea latte depending on whether I need to be caffeinated or not) is 235 stinking calories.

I still have them, but the whole cost/benefit analysis usually has me ordering a calorie-free iced tea instead most of the time. It's just not worth it.

That seems to be the theme of my dietary life lately. It's just not worth it.
That yummy morsel just isn't worth dying young. That tasty tidbit is not worth the size 24 pants it costs. That nommy nom nom nugget of goodness isn't worth the heart disease it will promote. That festival of deep fried goodness isn't worth the way I feel when I look in the mirror. That mood soothing binge on sweet/salty/fatty food isn't worth the havoc it wreaks on my self esteem.

I did some rough calculations and toyed around with some of the tools here on AvoidYourPaper.com and I realize that I could be at a respectable weight in May of 2014 if I apply myself. Why May 2014? Because that is when I will be done with grad school and start a career as a nurse practitioner. Scary isn't it, the idea of me writing prescriptions? Run for your lives sick people of the world, you could be my patient. But I digress...

I don't want to be that person who says, "do as the fat person says, not as the fat person does." How on earth can I tell people to exercise more, eat less crap and maybe they won't need so many diabetes/cholesterol/high blood pressure meds when my overly generous backside won't fit on a roller coaster?

I mean, let's be serious here. You put me on a spinning bike and my ass is so big that it looks like there is no seat at all. My butt swallows the thing whole. Yes, I always sit in the back row so no one notices the seat swallowing butt of doom, and that's ok and all, but really, I'm in no position to tell others how to improve or maintain health right now. I have the knowledge, sure, but I don't have credibility. My health credibility is like -2 right now. No street cred here, yo. I know my butt will get smaller in the coming months, and that's wonderful, but it needs to shrink a lot before Jenn, NP will be the physical embodiment of health promotion. Over a year before I will look the part, if you will.

So there is a bigger purpose at work here. There is an enormous fat-filled difference between "do as I say, not as I do" and "I did it, you can too, trust me on this." Assuming I eventually do the giant time sucking paper, that is.

In other news, I just figured out that a local restaurant that makes the BEST baba ganoush has their nutrition info online and I can have 15 freaking ounces of wonderful eggplant goodness for something crazy like 160 calories. I may be turning purple in the next few days as I have been eating baba like it is going out of style.

You're turning violet, Violet! Yup, too much more eggplant and you can call me Violet Beauregarde, and if you know who that is and why the reference is appropriate, you get the AvoidantBehavior.com gold star award of the day.

Simple pleasures, like finding out one of my favorite foods is super duper diet food, make this journey a lot more fun. I have to focus on the eggplant win and try to forget about the Starbucks *sniff* calories of doom.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I just read this and you are so funny! So its 2015 which means you are an NP! How have your goals turned out?
    2400 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    Bwahaaaa!!! Girlll U are too funny..
    2881 days ago
    So cool - didn't realize all your schooling was to become a Nurse Practitioner! It's a long road and schooling doesn't care if you have time to eat/drink right or any of that healthy stuff. Be strong!
    2917 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    I'm here at avoidance.com waiting to go run. Hey at least I'm not eating candybars looking for the golden ticket. I promise, keep up with the exercise and baba ganoush instead of fancy-pants drinks and you will eventually be able to give advice with authority.
    2985 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2996 days ago
    Soooooooo, you'll be naturally purple vs the junk. I'd take the purple. Keep your arm where it belongs, you'll need it next year when you are at the weight you plan to be with a successful career. Plus you'll need that arm to write the prescriptions. :) hang in there purple lady and you are so rockalicious! Happy to hear from you, my friend! XxJ
    2997 days ago
    So glad you're back ! emoticon
    2999 days ago
    3001 days ago
    Love your Sense of Humor! Can totally relate to the Avoid Your Paper. I'm presently on Avoidyour Mountains of Laundry, and Avoid Whats for Dinner? .com! You will be a total inspiration to your patients! You Go Girl! emoticon

    3001 days ago
  • LEWILL1982
    Keep the blogs coming from avoidthepaper.com. I could think of far worse ways to procrastinate on a paper (trust me, been there, done that). I wish you well in your journey, you can do it. I'm sorry, I have to ask, who is Violet Beauregard? (I'm gonna friend you now)
    3001 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8639152
    Eggplant for the win, Miss Beauregard! And YES to becoming SuperJenn NP! Be a role model, change your little slice of the world and make it a better place. You can do it!!!
    emoticon emoticon
    3002 days ago
  • TEAGUE1612
    hmmm... is it charlie and the chocolate factory?
    3003 days ago
    I am so glad you're back. I missed you much, girl!
    3004 days ago
  • -LINDA_S
    Great stuff, as usual! You'll be a great NP! Can't believe baba ganoush doesn't have a bunch of oil in it...but that would work with my high-fat diet anyway...
    3008 days ago
    What a great goal Jenn. A win for you and your patients. You will have empathy and be able to inspire them with your first hand experience, and success. Good luck getting your paper done Jenn.
    3009 days ago
    And that baba ganoush is probably better for ya than the 'Bucks drink, anyway. It's more exotic, too!

    You're tremendously inspirational, you know? Well, if you don't, I'm telling you now. You've figured out what you need to do, and you're willing to do it, no matter what. It's awfully easy to just sit around and be defeated, instead of getting up and getting your rumbumpus in gear and doing what needs to be done. Keep it up!
    3009 days ago
    Love baba ganoush! and 160 calories, great!
    3009 days ago
  • HHB4181
    Great blog, very entertaining!!
    3009 days ago
    Love your blogs. I'm so glad you are back. And the starbucks are so not worth the calories. Eventually you won't miss them anymore either.
    3009 days ago
    Loved your blog. But it made me hungry.

    3009 days ago
  • _JODI404
    I just fell in love with hummus about a year ago.... I've been told that I *must* try baba, but haven't yet. We usually make our own hummus. Will have to either find a recipe for baba or check out if Whole Foods has some that is any good?

    I think you will make a fantastic nurse, but the credibility thing is a good point. That is really great motivator!

    And yes, I'm a member of your club: Procrastinators Extraordinaire!

    Now: work on that paper so you can be the most awesomest nurse ever!

    3010 days ago
    You can definitely be my nurse practionner any day ! You are awesome, you are out there kayaking, spinning & all, missed your blogs. Yeah, I have to agree discovering the calorie content in some meals can be downright depressing...but then again you win some and you lose some - yeah for Baba ganoush it doesn't last long in our house either or hummus for that matter. I have no doubt that paper will get written.
    3010 days ago
    I hate it when you look up the nutrition information for a meal or drink that you really love only to find out that it has like a bajillion calories. Yep, been there.
    3010 days ago
    You can be my nurse any day!!!!!!!!! Keep the momentum going! I make theeeee most delicious baked eggplant! Lets tackle this weight together! emoticon
    3010 days ago
  • BUTTERFLY-1976
    Love your blogs!!
    3010 days ago
    I have so missed your blogs. And I even get the whole Violet Beauregard thing. I spend a lot of time on avoidance.com, too...
    3010 days ago
    You're going to rock being a nurse practitioner! I love your blog! It's gotten me interested more in swimming and trying kayaking!
    3010 days ago
    You got this! Love your blog! :)
    3010 days ago
    I love your blog and your humor. I totally get it Violet emoticon
    3010 days ago
  • 123ELAINE456
    Great Blog. Hope You get your Paper written for School. God Blessings to Everyone. Have a Marvelous Day. Take Care. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    3010 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Too bad you cannot turn in this blog, you would get an A, Miss Jenn. I love your point about how powerful it will be for you to say "look, I did this, you can do this too, your life depends upon it". That is a powerful goal and you are armed with knowledge and willingness - you can do this.
    3010 days ago
    Hope you get that paper written soon! And welcome back!
    3010 days ago
    giggle... avoidyourpaper.com... KILLING ME!! Congrats on the six pound loss... that is awesome... and I think aligning your health with the completion of your grad degree - awesome idea!

    3010 days ago
    I've missed your bloggity goodness of yummity yum.
    Just don't choke on your blueberry pie bubble gum.
    You have a special way with words that make me laugh.
    Maybe get a Venti No Foam Soy Earl Grey/Awake tea latte HALF?
    117 calories instead of 235
    Won't make your bicycle seat hide.


    I'm so glad you're back.
    3010 days ago
    Baba ganoush is awesome!

    That being said...you have a typo in your blog that completely made me do a double take... you said "I realize that I could be at a respectable weight in May of 2104 if I apply myself" and my immediate reaction was "wow not even 100 years to lose weight LOL" then you go on to say May 2014 and I realized you just mistyped before...hopefully not a Freudian slip.

    But you can do it! May 2014 is eminently doable, and we're all here to help you...with whatever you need...including procrastinating writing a paper :-)!!!
    3010 days ago
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