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Disappointed And Angry With My Choices! Step up or Start Preparing To Die

Saturday, June 22, 2013

The past 4 weeks have been EXTREMELY stressful. I started out with a cold, then my toddler got it with extreme sickness and dehydration. My husband caught something like it, then I caught it again (or, it never went away). The past two weeks I've had a sinus infection and my ear has been plugged for 4 weeks. Today our daughter woke up sick again and couldn't keep a thing down. This time though, it was her molars coming through. ((sigh))

When it rains it pours it seems. Thursday I started exercising again. At least I THINK it was Thursday. The days seem to pour together and I can't remember whether I'm coming or going.

For the most part, I've eaten pretty well. I HAVE been sick for most of it so when I DO feel like eating it's a soup or salad with water or iced tea without sugar.

The past week however has been amazingly stressful and I caught myself going back into a cycle. Fat and Sugar addict. This is the conclusion I've come to. I can live without meat, but I LOVE my dairy. Not just any dairy but CHEESE. So here it goes. I'm going to be honest here. It's the only way that I can move forward is by truely confessing what's REAL. To be AWARE!

The past few nights to ease the stress, I've been low carbing it. YUP! I talked myself into thinking because there was no carbs, it was a healthier choice. Ummmm NOT if it's your full days worth of calories in 1 whole sitting Beck!!

Yup. I cut up Buffalo Mozzarella cheese that come in those round packages. I threw it on the plate REALLY nice. Then I added tomato sauce. It was just mozzarella cheese on a plate MELTED with sauce. For the past few nights I ignored the labels ON PURPOSE. I KNEW! Come on, lets be honest here......Cheese is fat. I don't care how low carb it seems to look, we're trading one problem issue for another.

LAST night, I was SO stressed out that I had my husband go buy me a chocolate cupcake. Now I usually buy just one big fat one and be done with it. My husband came home with a 4 pack! It was less expensive. He's the penny pincher and I'm the stress eater! 2 cupcakes on TOP of the late night cheesy meal last night and another TONIGHT.

After eating it tonight, I went to a small dark place and thought about it. I waltzed RIGHT BACK to the kitchen and MADE myself look at the calorie and fat count. I also noticed that there were 8 servings. I added that to the sugary, moist cupcakes and here's what I came up with:

No WONDER I'M SO FREAKING FAT!!!!!!!!!!! No excuses! Absolutely NO EXCUSES!! All that hard work the past few months and all it took was a month of LAZINESS. I'm sorry. I know I was terribly sick, I know I have a toddler and that there are other life issues but I have GOT to find another way to deal with stress and the addiction I have with fat and sugar.

I have all the tools I need. Plant based recipe books, video's,etc. I have Sparkpeople where I can log in exercise and food. I also have plenty of support here on this site. USUALLY my husband is pretty supportive. Yesterday he just got sick and tired of me throwing HIS weight loss in HIS face for the choices I'M making.

Looking at this, only "I" can be responsible for what "I" put in "MY" mouth!

Its time to GROW UP! I'm literally digging my own grave. By these choices I'm choosing NOT to be around to watch my daughter grow up or spend my golden years with the man I love. For what?! FOOD. How pitiful is that?!

To say I'm disappointed is putting it lightly!

Back to planning my meals tomorrow and hoping that we can make time tomorrow tomake meals ahead for the week. So sad!
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    hope things get better soon. emoticon
    2917 days ago
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