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Fear and Depression

Friday, August 29, 2014

Two things in life that seem to always get in the way of EVERYTHING are Fear and Depression. I don't know what causes the fear, and though I know what causes the depression it doesn't make it easier to deal with.

Most people blog to share opinions or make a stand. I have noticed I have taken to the blog to sort through my head. Maybe I should do this in a personal journal, but that doesn't seem to do much for me. Maybe I'm using it as therapy, in hopes someone will give me the answers to the universe ... which for the record, is NOT 42... yeah. That's right. I said it.

So anyway. Let's start dissecting, shall we??

Fear: From what I can tell, Fear is generally a liar. Fear is one of those abusive spouses who belittles you to the point you are genuinely afraid to wake up in the morning. Fear sucks. As I said. I don't know where my fear of everything comes from. I mean, the list is pretty big and obscure. Sure, there are the typical fears of spiders (really a phobia - and I actually do know where this one stems from), and heights (though this one has gotten better over the years), but then you have other ones like the fear of completion. Is it really a fear of completion or is it a fear of failing? I know how good completing something feels, so why does that feeling not push me to complete other, more important things? I sabotage myself every time. And I don't know how to stop.

Fear is the creator of the negative thoughts, I have figured that much out. I'm not so sure, however, why... and even sometimes how. Fear tells me I will never succeed in losing weight. But why? Tell me, Fear, WHY will I never succeed?!? I know it's just a thought, and I know these thoughts are what's holding me back, but I can't seem to stop them. Fear tells me if I exercise I will hurt myself, because that has pretty much been how it goes for the past 10 years. Yet I know from walking around Boston a few weeks ago, that the exercise actually helped my chronically sprained ankle, so what's stopping me from doing it again? Fear. Screw You Fear. I hate you.

Depression: I know where the depression stems from. Abuse, stuck in one place, abuse... I know where, but I don't know how. How do I make it stop? Think happy, positive thoughts? Sorry, Fear is blocking that road... So let's just sit here and eat my depression away. Oh, the eating made me gain weight? Well, that's depressing. I think I'll eat this ice cream to make me feel better. See the circle?

Break the cycle, they say! Just don't eat that, they say! Well thanks to Depression and Fear, Willpower packed up and left when I was 8.

What I have noticed is that people who suddenly change their lives and become better people/lose a ton a weight are those who have had something happen that is literally life threatening. Whether it's disease or some traumatic experience that made them see the world differently doesnt really matter. It's the fact that something happened to them to cause them to change. You don't hear about the people who struggle with weight their entire lives just to one day say they have had enough. most of the people who succeed are more afraid of dying than they are of anything else. But when you get to the point where you think death is your only savior from the sadness and fear, what do you do?

I learned this past weekend that I need to move. Not that I am actually moving, but that I found some place that made me happy and content with life. This place made me feel more at peace with myself and nature than I have felt in at least 15 years. I need to move. I'm working my as$ of to have the money to move. But in doing this, I have to leave my husband of 10 years because he refuses to move. And I think which depression is worse? Losing my mind where I am, or losing my only Love. And which Fear will win in this situation?

Fear and Depression. Two things that get in the way of EVERYTHING.
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