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A Vacation that gave me perspective

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Okay, so for real- i'm not going to set serious long term goals. I do have numbers in mind, but really I need to focus on my day to day, I need a serious lifestyle change. Right now I eat terribly, drink too much, am addicted to sugar and its starting to feel really terrible.

I just got back from a trip with my BFF to Disney/Universal Studios. We called it our YOLO trip because it's probably our last big flyaway for a very long time. 2017 will bring big changes for us both. For me, my husband and I are going to be house hunting and then trying for a baby. She will be saving for a house and an NYC trip w/ her mom. So being a yolo trip we didnt hold back at all. I ate whatever the fk I wanted. I was essentially buzzed and stuffed every night when we got back to the hotel. i rarely finished my whole plate of food which is of little comfort. No joke, I bet I packed away 5000-7000 calories a day between meal, snacks and drinks. I walked at least 20K steps each day, and that's probably what kept me going. I didnt feel crappy (oddly enough) from all the consumption, but I definitely knew what damage I was doing.

I weighed myself this morning. I only gained about 6 lbs. Just getting back yesterday I believe there's some water weight hanging around.

I also quit smoking on Oct. 30th, im excited for my 2 month quitversary. There have been two times I intended to smoke by bumming one (while drinking) but i've been overly lucky because only smokes available were menthol- and I have no problem saying no to those bc EW. I think with that challenge also in my life, i've turned to eating or drinking more to combat the cravings at social events.

Portion sizes I think are my biggest challenge with weight loss. Part is my lack of self-control at times, another part is my ingrained habit of clearing my plate, another part is some irrational fear that i'll starve myself if my piece of meat is too small. I am also very used to being full at the end of a meal, almost setting my brain off that "okay, you're not going to starve now". No clue where the F that came from, i've never gone without food a day in my life.

Traveling is amazing. It gets me out of my comfort zone, and, on a tough note, it really puts into focus how much weight can effect my ability to enjoy myself. I felt very fat and conscious the ENTIRE vacation. Every picture was uncomfortable and I felt relieved when it turned out well. Im not happy with myself because I have had since March when we booked the flight to lose weight, but put everything else in front of its priority this year.

Meanwhile my BFF has dropped 85lbs and looks amazing! She went through my first journey with me and had lost 95lbs, but gained it all back and then a few more. I have gained back half of my weight and been lucky that's all.

Walking around the theme parks, I don't realize how big I am until I sit in the same seat someone 120lbs did. So many people are just COMFORTABLE all the time, no matter how small the ride, how high the chair, how hot it is out. Normal weighted people are just comfortable. I remember feeling that for a bit when i was 210lbs. I felt normal. Which, was still Obese, but I was kind of a normal weight for Green Bay, WI. Even then, I look at pictures and I still had another 30 to lose before I was in the Overweight category.

I'm beginning to be disgusted by my body. Re-gaining weight happens differently than when it first appeared. The fat re-distributes in different places, it looks different. I see a lot more cottage cheese fat than i used to have. I've ALWAYS been accepting of my fat (but still wanted to lose it) but never hated on myself the way I am these past months. It's not something I want to continue.

I want that proud feeling back, I want pride, accomplishment, strength, happiness and excitement again. I want to get to where my body needs me to be, and learn how to live in maintenance. I mean, I can maintain 250... but maintaining 150 will be quite a difference.

Eat Less. Move more. I'm ready. The holidays aren't going to get the best of me. Im going to enjoy my time with my friends, husband and familly, and try being conscious of everything I take in. Im going to be an azz and not go to the gym because I just got back from vacation and there's SO much going on around the holidays. But maybe I will, I do enjoy working out.

Feels good to get this crap out. I miss blogging and I worry about this place becoming too much about attention and not enough about supporting myself. But, it was an amazing tool for me in the past. Im still a writer deep down, this is very cathartic!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Have you ever read The Beck Diet Solution? Judith Beck addresses all your concerns. There is even a Beck team here on Spark.
    1607 days ago
    I relate so much to this. Gaining weight back sucks. Being in a seat a smaller person was in before you sucks. Being photographed beside a smaller person sucks. Being uncomfortable sucks. I get it. Eat less, move more. No truer words.
    1608 days ago
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