It really is time. Ive reached my breaking point.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Even though I havent been active on Spark, I still need it sometimes to get my thoughts out. I never realized in my journey how much blogging helped keep my head clear.
Ive been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. My weight has creeped up about 50lbs over the last 4 years and i know that my husband and I need to change our lifestyle in order to start losing weight. One of my biggest fears is that I will be successful and he wont. And both of us have had successful (large) weight losses before we were together. i think we've become so intertwined in our eating habits that I dont want to let him down or look down ON him for not succeeding where I do.
Completely faulty logic I know. I need to shove away that line of thinking because, how dare I underestimate him. And I really am OVERESTIMATING myself. Ive been unsuccessful the past 4 years of losing weight.
Its a very stressful time right now. We are moving into our new house next Friday, life will be a bit disjointed for a while as we settle in and start living our new lifestyle. My hopes are that we will become healthier together with the new setting. I will have a beautiful neighborhood to get out and run/walk in the mornings or later at night (It's well lit and there are sidewalks!!).
I am going to really limit my drinking, fast foot, junk food and laziness. Drinking, I am quite sure, has been my biggest weight gain accelerant. Ive been drinking a lot, and every weekend. Ive had events every weekend- camping, wedding, camping, wedding, general summer outings. Ive started leaning away from beer and more toward mixers with fewer calories and sugar. I love beer, but i need it to be in moderation.
I also have gorged myself on a plethora of crappy food- take out, home made junk, bar food- all with little regard for portions or quality of foods. I havent had a vegetable in a really long time. I need to hold myself accountable to watch my intake, track it, and stay within my calorie range. Every day. Not Monday-Thursday, but every. day. Of course there are times when I will let myself have the weekend off (camping) but really.
I dont think my drive has been strong enough. My "Why" has not been clearly defined and I need that to stop myself from eating over my daily calories. I think my WHY hit me last night- I want a baby. And when i start trying for a baby I do not want to be 255lbs, i do not want to be 220lbs, 190lbs. I want to be 160lbs. I want to have dropped a lot of fat from my body to be healthy enough for pregnancy. I had wanted to start trying in October, but being that's only like2-3 months away, not going to happen.
I am at my breaking point. I have been saying "Yes" to SO much the last few years. I have gotten into the terrible habit of saying yes, but also feeling so guilty and getting down on myself for not watching my intake and overeating/drinking. I think about food and losing weight pretty much hourly. I feel my stomach touch my arms when I sit and think about how I need to lose weight. Any small malady or discomfort in my body I think about it. I stand up and my arm fat is so great that my elbows stick out and I feel terrible about myself.
Overall I need to really get in touch with myself again. learn how my body is feeling. Center my mind so that it's not a "on" and "off" mentality with guilt sprinkled in both sides. I need to believe in my goal. believe in myself. Believe in my nutrition that it will sustain me, it will take some time to adjust to changes in portion, quality, process etc!!
Trust myself. I need to trust myself and let my goal guide me. I will plan out meals, plan my workouts for the week, plan for those weekends that will include bad foods and drink. I need to say no to my impulses, it WILL get easier. I need to re-learn the foods to enjoy while being healthy and nutritious. I know SO much about eating healthy & nutrition, I tend to overcomplicate things because of this.
My husband said something that's sticking with me- "One decision at a time" And it's helped me try to be in the moment and make the best choices at the time. I know that getting healthy for pegnancy is going to be my drive. I need to think about that end goal while making small goals in between. Im not doing it for vanity (except to feel good and proud of my body), im doing it because it HAS to be done. I dont want to be obese when I get pregnant or have a child. I know weight will be gained during pregnancy, but having gotten to a goal weight for that event will help me feel secure that its only temporary and I should enjoy it.
IF I can get pregnant. Who knows, no one ever knows. Disaster may strike like it has many of my friends- miscarriages happen quite often. I want to create a bodily environment as healthy as possible to reduce the risks.
This will be about me. my body. my life. my happiness. I miss feeling confident and proud of myself. I want to be in good enough shape to run that sub-30min 5k. And sub 60min 10K. right now, 250lbs wont even get me a sub 45 minute 5k. Im so out of shape. And i NEED to remember that 90% of the change needs to be in my diet. Running & fitness is really my fun, I love it, I love taking pride in it and I love how it helps my weight loss. But too often I see that I burned 500calories and think, oh- bigger dinner! Nope. I will not eat back my worked off calories- unless it makes my deficit way too low.
I not even excited for this. I am terrified. I am scared, nervous, anxious and worried. Will this time be different? HOW?! I dont know, but all I cna do is try and keep my goals in mind. I do know that I am mad. I am SO angry at myself for forgetting all i accomplished and getting back to an uncomfortable point. I am angry at all the times I said yes. Also angry for all the times I ate double, triple- lets be real, quadruple the servings on meals. I need boundaries again, I need to hold myself back and keep the goals in mind with every meal and every chance to go over. Temptation is everywhere.
My first goal is to lose 10lbs- getting down to 242. Im not saying today is day one. Im saying today starts the countdown to getting to my goal weight. Im not setting a limitation saying I will do it by this day, this month. Its going to be a LONG process, months long. And a slow change is good- easier to stick with and really use it as support when things get tough. My calorie range is 1400-1700. i like the range idea because when there are limitations I ALWAYS try to push them. This will become a positive thing when I re-learn how to eat well and get back into fitness.
It's time. I need to change. I have all of the tools to build the best body I can through nutrition and fitness, it's time to build this new life.