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with a grateful heart

Saturday, December 19, 2020

A grateful heart can appreciate the smallest of things! I am always amazed by that. It's a lesson I seem to need to keep teaching myself, again and again.

2020 was a year of much turmoil. NOT JUST FOR ME! We are living through a pandemic! IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT ME!

I've been angry and selfish and self pitying this year. I realize that some people always behave this way, always make this choice. But this "new normal" in my character does not feel good or even necessary.

I am grateful for my health, despite having RA. Sure, I can compare myself to others who don't suffer. But why am I not comparing myself to millions who are suffering... and will NOT recover? Why am I not comparing myself to the multitudes who have died from Covid? Why am I not comparing myself to the thousands who have RA and don't have the health insurance and other finances to at least try certain medications? Who have to wait seven months to even SEE a specialist, even if they are covered?

I am grateful for my family. I will choose gratitude rather than resentfulness, which is all about my own expectations and long-ago hurts. Millions have no family. Millions wish they had MY messed up family, LOL, because theirs was, and is, so much more dysfunctional.

I am grateful that I can still work. For all of the healthy and pricey foods I get to put in my belly each day. For creature comforts that other countries CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE having.

I am grateful for this one moment in time where God flips me on my head and I realize, I don't want to be this angry and ungrateful woman. It doesn't mesh with who I really am. I have always been a fighter, a warrior. My fight is the bout with a feather compared to the fights others have in life.

Wishing you all a peace that is indescribable, no matter what you are going through.


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