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What is love?

Saturday, February 06, 2021

That word is so twisted as a baby, child, teen and even young adult. I know that for the first time in this life, when I had died at the age of 3 and went to heaven, experiencing love. Love that I never had felt on this earth. there aren't even any words to say the feeling. But when they sent me back, I with the mind of a 3 year old thought that I didn't deserve to stay there, I didn't deserve the real love. I was such a bad little girl, I thought I had to go back to my body and be punished some more. This beautiful, pure, innocent and special little girl had no idea she was good at all. The brainwashing already then that the parents did to her.

Well, now it comes to the new memories that came up with my meditation and prayers yesterday. At age 7, I had new memories of every time I was raped even as a little baby, they would tell me that this is love. this is how you love daddy, mama, brother, sister or anybody. My mind was altered to what the word love meant. They twisted the word "love" to their own advantage. Thus confusing me for my whole life. I am almost 64 years old and still have to deal with all the brainwashing they did to me. I know what love is. I know the love of God, Jesus and my angels, for I would have died many times over if not for them.

How do I change the meaning for love from so many broken parts of me? As an adult, I truly know what love is. I have the most wonderful, supportive, loving husband of 25 years. I have good people in my life. I honor and believe in Jesus and God. The real God and Jesus, not the ones they abused me with. Having to change the brainwashing, lies and sick things they did to me in the name of love........ well, to abuse that sacred word for a small innocent baby, child, teen and young adult is sick, abusive and wrong. The hardest part is that I truly did love each of them. Which that alone is confusing to me at times.

Its hard to know how or what to do at this point. I have been working on forgiving and "loving" myself for the last 30 or so years.

So again, What is love? They hurt me with that word, do deeply.

THE REAL LOVE IS ??????????

I am crying so hard right now. I know what the real love is in my heart, but in my mind it is dirty. Fighting with my heart and mind at the same time.

I don't know if they will have me delete my blog this time, they have before in the past because it bothers people or makes them feel bad. Will see.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you soooo much my dearest Donna. I love you soooooooooo very much. Even though that word is hard for me right now. It is from my heart and not the lies they told me.I needed to hear what you have written. I am so afraid of offending someone and report me. WOW! THANK YOU!
    136 days ago
    oh my dear friend .. I am crying with you

    I cant begin to imagine the constant abuse you endured ..
    your family stole your youth ..your innocence .. your peace .. confidence .. your trust .. shattered your innocent soul ..
    it is they that were sick
    it was they that needed mental help

    you have become .. step by step God has been with you .. encouraging you .. protecting you .. creating you into the person you are today ..

    holding on to what others meant for your harm does not serve you
    working through it to find how your past can contribute to the health of the world is for your benefit ..

    allow God to use you to help others ..
    Rise up
    Lets this horrible time of tests and abuse become your testimony
    Accept that God has delivered you ..
    Accept His grace .. His peace .. His power .. let Him guide you into the next step ..
    Believe ..
    Ask ..
    and Receive !!

    the blessings of God are for who so ever ... You my dear are a warrior .. a true survivor ... people need to hear ... and are hungry for what you have to say !!

    Step into you power ..
    Step out of the past ..

    I beg of you Jetta to let it all go ..
    don't let what they did steal one more minute of your life .. stomp your pretty little feet and holler to God .. no more .. Help me rise above .. take this all away .. show me dear Lord where you want me to go .. bring souls to me that need my strength ... my story .. my peace ..

    My Opinion .. and mine only
    having to delete a blog because it makes others uncomfortable is ridiculous
    move on folks ...
    don't want to read someone else's truth ..
    move on ..
    Some of us have navigated hell to get to where we are today ..
    reading a blog then passing judgment is wrong on all levels
    this is the time for compassion ..
    tenderness and understanding ..
    not the removal of something you dont want to read ..
    move on
    there can be ugly reasons behind the eating disorders and or addictions ..

    dont want to know about them
    God Bless you and Move on

    Donna ( not Jetta ) my dear friend has been abused and judged enough

    136 days ago
  • no profile photo CD25191456
    Jetta, I kind of agree with CAPECODDIN for it seems you are more depressed reliving these experiences over and over. I just read something from this source might help you feel better.

    The memories will always be there but the hold on you can lessen as you focus on the real hope.
    You were a victim; it was not your fault. You can't change what has happened, but you can take the pain and turn it into gain for others who have experienced the same as you focus on the hope.
    136 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/9/2021 6:28:28 PM
    Yes, it is helping me. It brings up old stuff I had no idea was hiding. If it is hiding inside, I can't heal it. I can only heal what I know. It is a gift which I am thankful for! Hugs and more hugs!
    136 days ago
    I am sorry that these memories are haunting you & seem to be hurting you more. Your parents used the word "love" to attempt to "normalize" that horrific abuse. I'm not sure this meditation is helping you.
    136 days ago
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